The Great Big Heavy

by Evelinn Trouble

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1.
Vanish 04:21
Vanish don't need your help to vanish i was never who you knew i've forgotten all about it too drawing life lines straights as arrows you stay where the warm winds blow where my memory's dissolved with the one of other headless souls and each questioning reveals wheter real or in my dreams that i was never there with you that i've forgotten all about it too running over mountainchains erase my traces on the way from a long gone, knocked down wall the one piece that can't help recall all that made us drift apart that is me without my scars this is me without my scars this is me a piece of wall and i... don't need your help to vanish i was never who you knew don't need your help to perish i've forgotten all about it too fighting with my memories tales of how you had me weak when my hate is at it's peak then i am almost back to zero and each questioning reveals and they're only in my dreams that we cannot go back to zero don't need your help to vanish i was never who you knew don't need your help to perish i've forgotten all about it too running over mountain chains erase my traces on the way
2.
Flowing 04:42
Wail along departed friend in your arms and out again we have reached another end so reach out again I'm swaying as if made of air since i've waded out from here a wave has come and swept all clear yeah it's all clear no surface that can keep me in no anchor that will hold me down no one to keep me from flying now is there no one now? i would storm in "cannot be leaving here!" but all is flowing and all is possible again pinned my hope on a new face oh so vain and out of place just an illusion supposed to keep me safe yeah i am saved I would always cling as if the truth was a belonging of mine close my eyes and my desires in as if the infinite could be made into size yeah i would hold it all in but of course the wave proved me right 'cause all is always flowing and all is possible again so wail along wail along i would strom in „cannot be losing you...“ but all is flowing and all is possible again
3.
4.
and you're reading the bad news trying to feel haunted but the sun is shining through underlines your countenance and i'm going for a walk and every downward step i'm taking suits the dreamer i've become now that there is no awakening and i'm breathing the fresh air because our forests aren't waning and the paper that i read is writhing on the pavement so i'm invited just to talk about the plans and fears inside me but i am keeping my mouth shut 'cause i do not care what it's going to be yeah she had pretty words for ugly truths i just shrugged and let her continue suits the dreamer i've become and she'll be straightened out when she reads the news yeah i'll keep collecting my debris and i'll keep finding places for it but the hopelessness in me that is one thing that don't go unreported yeah you have plans and you have counterparts your future is state of the art but your skull is shining through and you can see me smiling in the dark you walk pregnant with new life the flood you're baby's facing suits the swimmer that i am when it comes to heavy changing 'cause my friend's are all knocked up coming up with names for theirs but my baby is insane that's why it's been aborted yeah i threw my love away my baby is aborted
5.
6.
When I was born I was wrapped in you I learned your language When you thaugt me to Oh how I felt young when I walked with you not free but carefree until I questioned you I have questioned you I have questioned you And since my second birth I have been watching you And I have learned to focus On what I cannot do And what I cannot change To be entwined with you When I don't have your presence Then I am free of clues I am free I am free But I'm not free Don't you know that I can't be without your china made love Don't you know that I can't be without your china made love Don't you know that I cannot be... Now when you hurl at me Your shirts and nails Then I have your presence Like a faceless stain And my hope is lost Can't be regained This world is lost And it can't be saved And god's wrath never rained on me Though I'm not all that I could be And the sky never fell down on me And that's as bad as it can be Now I know just what I want to criticise But when I use your language I don't see eye to eye And I am kept from speaking Because i'm satisfied I am satisfied, I am satisfied Nothing to wish for now Don't you know that I can't be without your china made love Don't you know that I can't be without your china made love without you china made love china made walls china made war china made heart china made war china made nails china made war china made art
7.
flesh and bone helpless sighs i've always known i would go wrong so wrong helpless times have me tied going down with the earth i'm walking on i went far to see another side to my reality to find what's left in me and now my days are drained of aim and i'm always last to leave 'cause i got no one in my company no one above me time on my side the future bright casting it's shadow over me back on my own it's been so long it feels impossible but i've always known i would survive without you here went too far and i've reached the end of our reality went across the line as if i could turn back time thougt i would be at ease once i retrieve what is the core of me but now i'm always last to leave 'cause i got nothing in my company you got me running not coming back you got me changing i'm coming back now that i'm lost in a voided day to day i did not know i would be restless for so long my aching bones i'm really losing you going wrong but i'm still going on
8.
i made a promise to the night and now i'm really trying to keep it and actually it's easy i simply don't inhale the breath of all exaggerated tales but i'm the only one so i get lonely just al little bit lonely the tears appear against my will so i let god into my heart but still it feels empty i pour some ink into my skin and swear to love and to forgive always you let me down but it's alright i leave you there with twinges by your side and i'm sorry 'bout that but i made a promise to the night you can break yours but i'll keep mine i'll keep it, i'll keep it, i'll keep it Said i will you say i'm weak i wish i was but none and all of this is forever lost so i don't bother at all you say i'm weak i wish i was but none and all of this is forever lost so i don't bother at all i don't bother and at the moment i am crying but it's just a state of mind soon over and i'll be lonely all my life but that is just a thought of mine soon overthougt then i'll be singing all the time while this is just a song of mine soon over and i'll be lonely all my life but that is just a little time soon over it soon is over
9.
to all my magic friends it's going up again you're all under my skin it's growing back again to all my magic friends with your healing space in hand if this healing ever has an end it's only thanks to you i'm sorry for the worry that put you through but it wasn't me the devil threw me on the tracks to help me get back on my feet seems it takes a fire just to show me that my life's still in my hands you wanted me to be inspired world here i am it's tempting to explain sudden changes in the open rain sudden choices that will make a black and white sky turn to grey with destiny, enlightenment laying cards and then believing in god again but mind you i haven't changed i believe in all my magic friends only in my magic friends

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released January 1, 2013

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