Arbitrary Act

by Evelinn Trouble

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    "Arbitrary Act" CD from 2007. Second edition.

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1.
Skipping rope, did I dance out of line? A false hope, but not this time Peel off all the love I have left on my skin I collect it for you I let you in … Still you’re not scared of losing me (this is new to me) You say i’m great and I believe you I can even feel you sometimes sometimes Yet you ain’t got much vacant time Not much space for me in your busy life Feels like I have to stand in line But it’s alright, it’s alright Yeah it’s alright, it’s alright It just might take me a while Might take a while for me to understand That you’re not scared of losing me (you’re confusing me) yeah Not many gaps in your schedule do I fill those gaps Or do I make them gradually smaller? Am I just another appointment to you? Is it in those gaps? you write your songs Is it in those gaps? you take the chance to be lonely Is it in those gaps? Is it in those gaps? You take your time to long for me Is it in those gaps? Do you even long for me? Is it in those gaps? I’m not appointment. Is it in those gaps? I would like to fill them … But you’re not scared of losing me No you’re not scared of losing me You say you’re scared of hurting me But that I can’t believe No that’s what you’re afraid of No no no no No you’re not scared of hurting me You’re scared of hurting yourself Scared of getting hurt yourself And you’re not scared of losing me You’re scared of getting lost yourself Scared of losing yourself Scared of getting lost yourself In that case I can’t help In that case this makes no sense When you’re scared of losing yourself So I better bring this to an end.
2.
They say that love can cross a border But I fall out of order ’cause I don’t hear from you They say that it will soon get over «Time heals wounds, don’t go there.» But they don’t understand That I’ve never loved a man, the way I fell for you I’ve never come to understand Why it had to be you I never felt again, what I felt near you Until this very day I think of you They say, they know just how I’m feeling Their voices so revealing They don’t have a clue So dry, where’s that passion in their sighs? Oh I think they tell me lies ’cause how could they’ve survived? How did they survive? How will I survive? Without you Never loved a man, the way I fell for you I’ve never come to understand Why it had to be you I never felt again, the way I felt near you Until this very day I think of you I long for you Get struck by memories full of details like rays of sunlight Tiny illusion of a desperation, feelings I can’t fight I’m not forgetting, but distraction is a quality of mine I remember everything I’ve wrapped my heart in cellophane Killing time, I’m just killing time. They say, «let go and live again, There are so many men» They still don’t understand They say, «maturity takes pain, Lose and you will gain.» But I have lost myself I have lost myself.
3.
Open me up like a book just when you feel like reading Shake me when I’m fast asleep ’cause you’re needing Pages to tear out and fill The balance is gone and i tell you what I feel like when you’re leaving The place with only traces of your being You freshly marked me with a new experience I know it’s your right to move as freely as you can I even Plea you do it without care for me then Don’t be leaving notes behind I am home now and I can feel that you are on the way to somewhere And I bet you’re trying to ignore the cold stare That I send to you It’s a small step from golden cage to modern age I fly now And I know my way ’cause the sun’s in the sky now And I’m heading north I’m heading north If you stay then I will get the chance to make the balance whole again You’ll mimicry until you feel a hole within you and then You and me will finally feel the same
4.
No Class 04:49
Everytime I enter the room I’m always coming in too late or I come in to soon Guess I’m in the wrong place Guess I take too much space Guess it’s not like you say that “Were all human, and it shouldn’t be this way.” And how can I take that? You’re leaving, you’re leaving me out You skip over me as if I wouldn’t know what it’s about And I admit that I don’t ‘Cause you don’t want me to know ‘Cause you ignore me and you say that you don’t And how can I? How can I take that? Swallow it swallow it down How does one make that? Keep smiling and don’t make a sound I cannot stand the way you’re leaving me out ‘Cause this is out of style and this has got no class This situation’s hard to manage and I can’t take anymore No no no Every aim to start a conversation new is senseless And everything I do seems to be so completely out of this My mouth is spitting question marks right into your face And I wonder I wonder how do I make that? You’re turning, you’re turning away Giving me the feeling that I have nothing to say And I admit that I don’t ‘Cause no one would want to know ‘Cause everything I say is leaving black holes And how can I? How can I take that? Swallow it swallow it down How does one make that? Keep smiling and don’t make a sound I cannot stand the way you’re leaving me out ‘Cause this is out of style and this has got no class And I feel so discouraged And my mouth no longer dares to ask And my face is turning into a mask And the mask it hasn’t got a mouth Only two little holes to look out of And the mask is muting all my shouts ‘Cause if I’d scream it would be much too loud And I would bite I would be walking out on you So I’m leaving, I’m leaving you out If that’s the only way that I can do something about it I’m turning, I’m turning away Don’t need anybody to take my faith away I’m leaving you out
5.
Waste 06:50
Don’t have time I don’t feel like coming over Those days are over you don’t seem to mind I try to find out as I roll over And you sleep on Sleep, sleep, sleep Spent the night, I tell my dream And when I’m done the talking’s over My voice dies out Give me a sign, relate a tiny thougt I swear that I won’t keep you from sliding lower You can slide lower Go on, go on I don’t, don’t mind I try to care but I fail I don’t have time to answer if you think that you can answer for me I am to proud to care I’m not the one who’s asking anyway Don’t have a mind for questions If there’s nothing that you expect me to say I don’t have time for this Acting serious yet all we do is play What are you longing for What am I giving you instead? I know it’s hard to name, Communicate the codings in your head Even if you try There’s still the risk that I won’t understand Is that what keeps you from trying? Is that what keeps me from trying? Is that what keeps us from trying? Is that what keeps us from getting close? I don’t, you don’t We are not close I try to care but I fail I don’t have time to answer if you think that you can answer for me I am to proud to care I’m not the one who’s asking anyway Don’t have a mind for questions If there’s nothing that you expect me to say I don’t have time for this Acting serious yet all we do is play We act serious yet all we do is play You make me feel like I’m just the blood in the wonder of birth I’m just a tear in the eye of a bird I’m as present in your mind As a pick in the ice in the summertime I’m the ground you can only see when it’s low tide And this is high tideYeah this is summertime But i won’t wait for low tide No I won’t wait for you
6.
7.
Another time returning to the place you didn’t want to leave Returning to the time when you just couldn’t leave Returning to the state where you still thougt you’re free I am returning there tonight and I will never leave I am returning there tonight and I will never leave I am returning there tonight Closed my eyes and I was diving in truth And then I fell asleep and I dreamed of you All the things you only talk about you’d finally do So much reality can never come true Another time believing in the things in which I should believe And feeling all the joy that I should always feel I feel just like in trance because it’s all so real And even if I leave I know that this won’t leave Yes even if I leave I hope that this won’t leave Even if I leave Closed my eyes and I was diving in truth And then I fell asleep and I dreamed of you All the things you only talk about you’d finally do So much reality can never come true I will soon return to you and live like there has been no change I will change back and this here will have been in vain I might still hope that this time it is not the same But it’s the third time not the first time and it’s been in vain It is the third time not the first time and it is the same It is the third time Closed my eyes and I was diving in truth And then I fell asleep and I dreamed of you All the things you only talk about you’d finally do So much reality can never come true After I rose and then I thougt of myself If you can’t, can I become someone else? Is it in this place or all in my head? Will I meet truth again when I go to bed?
8.
The chain of importance is breaking Turning into a spiral The worm bites itself in it’s tail The beginning of all denial But I don’t deny anymore ’cause i’m no worm My thoughts are still running in circles But I’m just an onlooker (I don’t care) I used to chase them like wild Used to treat them like I was a hooker But now I don’t chase them anymore Not like before No I no longer run Don’t come up for each one I don’t chase them anymore ‘Cause I’m no whore The chain of importance has ended Turned into a spiral The gap in the fence has been mended But I’m running wild
9.
Don’t know what I’m supposed to do Noticed how I feel about you I know you know I know it’s you that I want but don’t know what I’m supposed to do No I don’t Don’t need you by my side As long as I still have your smile in mind I do not fight for your attention ‘Cause the tension I must hide Don’t need you being there ‘Cause this is not a love affair It is a dream of mine I realised it just in time Before I threw myself away again I back out just in time I back out almost late Got to say thanks to you I’ve learned to hesitate Not throwing myself away And I say thank you Don’t know what I’m supposed to think You leave me here to be Your little drama queen I know you know I know that’s what I want to be I know I know but you don’t know that it’s me you need You don’t want me by your side As long as I don’t put the crown away You do not fight for my attention Think you’ll have it anyway Don’t need me being there ‘Cause this is not a love affair It is a dream to me To you it’s rather a nightmare Was in the last three seconds Thanks to god I reckoned That we have no future So now I act neutral I back out just in time I back out almost late And I’m proud of myself I made you hesitate You almost threw yourself away You almost gave yourself away And I list all the possibilites All the things that could have been in tears Boy you missed out on everything You doubted everything in fear And you left without leaving anything Without letting things begin Boy you left without daring anything Now there’s an unfamiliar stinging in my chest

credits

released January 1, 2007

All songs written and performed by Evelinn Trouble
Mixed by Gregor Rosenberger

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